


Just Because I Go To Church It Doesn't Make Me Heterosexual

by hpd_lance



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bro Strider and Alpha Dave are bros but Alpha Dave has gone missing leaving Bro with Dirk, Bro is Uncle Bro, CURRENTLY REWRITING, Church AU that I thought of ironically in church, Church??, Dad Crocker is Uncle Crocker, Dad Egbert is Nanna's son, Dave starts going to Karkat's church, Dave thinks Karkat is hot, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jade's parents are dead qnq, Jake's are also dead, John and Dave are stepbrothers bc mom Lalonde and Dad Egbert, John is there, Kanaya isn't related to Karkat, Karkat and Nepeta are Step-siblings and Kankri and Meulin are twinsies, Karkat's dad is the preacher (the signless), M/M, Mom Lalonde and Alpha Rose are sisters but Alpha Rose died shortly after giving birth to Roxy, Mom Lalonde and Dad Egbert are married, Okay this is gonna get slightly confusing here, Poppop and Grandpa Harley and Nanna and Grandma English are all siblings, Rose and John are siblings, The Alpha Trolls are 10 and the Beta Trolls are 15, The Strilondes and EnglishCrockerHarleyEgberts are all one very large family, Their family is really close so John considers Jake and Jade and Jane his siblings, WILL HOPEFULLY HAVE THE FIRST REVISED CHAPTER OUT BY 4/20, Why Did I Write This?, aheh, and Bro Strider is Mom Lalondes bro too I forgot to mention that, and Roxy is Mom Lalonde's godchild, and the Dolorosa and The Disciple and The Sufferer and The Psiioniic were all friends in college, anyway, it's also ironic bc they're gay and they meet in church haha, mostly focuses on davekat, okay so this is like, so Dad Crocker is Poppop's son, so John Rose and Roxy are basically siblings, the Disciple and The Sufferer are married, the alphas are 5 and the betas are 16, the strilondes are family, they're cousins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hpd_lance/pseuds/hpd_lance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Karkat meet at-of all places- church. Shenanigans ensue.<br/>Sappy gays.</p>
<p>CURRENTLY REWRITING THIS AND WILL HOPEFULLY HAVE THE FIRST REWRITTEN CHAPTER OUT BY 4/20 !!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Church is a terrifying place

Your name is Dave Strider.  
You weren't usually one to wake up early, especially not on weekends. Especially not on Sundays.  
But your... step-uncle? Stepdad? How the fuck were you even related anyway?- Made you get up at eight in the morning on a Sunday, so you could leave in time for church.

You'd never gone to church before your aunt-who-might-as-well-be-your-mom married this guy. Who did he think he was, forcing his religion on you like this?! This was an outrage!  
Nah. You really didn't mind so much. Being homeschooled, you don't get out much. Any excuse to get out of the house was a good one in your opinion.

So here you are, standing outside a small church with like, three windows- seriously, do they have air conditioning?? Dear God.-, waiting for your uncle(?) to open the door. As soon as he opens it, cool air washes over you and _Thank Jesus almighty they have AC._

A rather short guy in a darkish red polo shirt is standing off to the side, a small frown on his face as you walk in. He gives you an especially disgusted look. (Maybe it's the fact that you're completely underdressed in your baseball tee and black skinny jeans. You'd put on clothes from the floor that didn't smell bad. Not your fault it was too goddamn early for any kind of coherent thinking.)  
You can tell he's giving you the once-over. His eyes soften a little when he notices Dirk and Roxy clinging to your legs, clearly nervous about this new place. Funny, you'd half expected Roxy to be clinging onto John or Rose, but hey, if it gets a cutie to like you, you're not complaining. Shit no did you just call him cute?

An older guy in a suit walks up, and you can't help but wonder if the guy over there is his son, the resemblance is uncanny. "Hey, Mister Egbert, long time no see! It's been, what, six months?" He says, extending a hand to your uncle.

Your cousin, John, suddenly notices the boy standing off to the side. "Oh my gosh! Hi Karkat!" He exclaims, promptly knocking you over in order to get to him. John practically suffocates the poor guy in a bone-crushing hug. "Is Kankri here? I need to give the lil guy a hug and tell him Happy Late Birthday. Oh my gosh, speaking of, Happy Birthday! Yours is tomorrow, right? June 24th? Wow! Time sure does fly, huh? Sorry, I'm just gonna go catch up with everyone else! Talk to you after service!!" And with that, John runs away, leaving the disheveled-looking guy (Car Cat?) in his wake.  
You watch as Kitkat(?) straightens out his shirt and pats his hair down, (not that it does much. Does he even brush that mess?) rolling his eyes. You hear him mumble something along the lines of, "Why did I ever miss that guy?", and then he catches you staring at him.  
He gives you this look. This look like you're a piece of bubblegum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Whatever happened to "Do not judge others unjustly" or whatever??

A little girl comes tearing down the hallway towards your uncle. You have no clue who the fuck she is. Probably related to John and them somehow.

"UNCLE EGBERT GUESS WHAT!! GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!! JAKE MADE A FRIEND AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NEED MY HELP!!"

Wow. Smug little bitch.

"Really? That's amazing! What's his new friend's name?" Your uncle asks.

"Dirk! And he likes swords and he's got these cool triangley glasses!"

You realize a little too late that your little bro had detached himself from your leg. Roxy too. Apparently they'd both run off and found the kids their age.

This church was a lot bigger than you'd thought it was.

_________________________________________________

Later, outside, after the service.

"So. You're new."

You jump at the voice behind you. That must be that guy. That guy from earlier. The one that John hugged the shit out of. The fuck was his name? Kitkat? Crabcrab? Car Cat? "Uh." Really intelligent, Dave. Really intelligent.

The guy scoffs, "That's really intelligent, man. Where'd you get such and extensive vocabulary? A fu- uh, Caveman Academy?" His words falter a bit, and you can tell he's holding back several curse words.

"Nah, see, I'm just warming up my vocal chords for a sick rap battle. Wanna try and beat the Strider babe?" You say. You... you really need to work on your church-appropriate comebacks.

"I don't sing, numbnuts. Fu- uh, screw- shit- no- fuck- shit- damn it! Frick frack sniddle snack cheesus on a cracker!" He buries his face in his hands, slowly shaking his head. "I keep fu- ugh, screwing up the whole 'not cursing in church because it's a sin' thing." He peeks at you from behind his hands.

"Dude. Stop doing that. It's kind of adorable and it hurts my heart." You say, face completely straight.

"What the fu-uh-udgesicles?" He asks, an eyebrow raised.

"Wait crap did I say adorable?"

"Uh."

"Fuck. No wait- shit- uh- frick-"

"Ah, you must be Dave! Your uncle was telling me about you." The voice of the preacher comes from behind you. A hand is resting on your shoulder, and you have to resist the urge to tense up or flinch at the unwanted contact.

"Uh yeah. Um. Can you uh. Like. Uh. Not um. You know. Uh. Like. Um. Touch. Like. Touch me? I don't like. I don't like people touching me." You say, a nervous laugh bubbling up in your throat, your nervous stutter in full effect.

"Ah! Sorry. Hey, Karkat, he has more in common with you than I'd thought!" The preacher immediately removes his hand from your shoulder, and you let out a small breath you didn't know you'd been holding.

Karkat. You captchalogue that name somewhere in your brain for future reference. Karkat doesn't like being touched either. More information you store away in your brain for safekeeping.

"Yeah. I guess."

Just then, a kid in a red sweater (about 4'3, tops), comes running up. He's probably Karkat's brother. (What had John said his name was? Cancer? Cancri? Kankrab? Cancry? Can cat? Whatever.) "Karkat! John is back!" The kid is obviously out of breath, "We're playing... we're uh... we're playing tag and... whew, and he's trying to catch me and Kurloz and Meulin and Cronus. He got everyone else. Can I hide behind you?" He pants.

"No. Go away Kankri."

"Aw come on! Just this once?" Kankri begs.

"Don't you have some like, social justice rant to get into?" Karkat asks, rolling his eyes.

"Later-" Kankri starts, but he's cut off by John's voice.

"There you are!" John shouts from somewhere to your right.

"OH CRAP!" Kankri runs off in the opposite direction, and John nearly knocks you over chasing him.

"So that was your brother?"

"Yeah."

"Seems like a nice kid."

"Yeah he _seems_ nice."


	2. IMPORTANT

AS OF RIGHT NOW, I'M REWRITING THIS!! I'M KEEPING A NUMBER OF PLOT THINGS, THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME, BUT THERE WILL BE A FEW THINGS DIFFERENT!!

ok, idk what name it'll be under, but I'm currently RE-WRITING THIS, and hopefully it'll have an actual plot and be resolved within 6/8 chapters or so. I'm soooo so so so sorry for the wait. Keep your eyes out, I'm going to TRY to set a deadline of April 20th (420 blaze it) for the first updated, reformed chapter to be out, but I make NO promises on that. after that I'll try to make sure there's no more than two weeks between updates. Thanks for your patience!!

I'm trying to keep to just this ONE work for now, and go back and work on my others at a later date (I hate myself for not finishing ANYTHING EVER)

Love, John

**Author's Note:**

> there will be more of this probably c':


End file.
